Study finds that a shocking amount of Magic players got themselves for Secret Santa and told nobody
"I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody but I didn't."
In a groundbreaking new human behavioral study from the Pew Research Center, researchers found that over 96.4% of Magic: The Gathering players who participated in the Secret Santa in 2024 and drew their own name chose to keep themselves instead of announcing it and redrawing a name.
While Magic players are far from the only demographic to have displayed this behavior when drawing their own name, they exhibited the highest rate of keeping themselves for Secret Santa. When asked why they acted in this way, this is how some responded:
“Honestly, I was so checked out when my brother told me to pick a name out of the hat, I didn’t even read it. Days went by before I read the slip and at that point, I had already placed my pre-order for Innistrad Remastered. I figure this is the universe’s way of evening things out.” (Seth, Chicago, IL)
“I already bought a collector’s booster box this year. If I buy any more cards, my boyfriend will kill me. But if one of our friends gets blamed…that kind of works out. Step one: Draw my own name. Step two: Profit.” (Alice, Los Angeles, CA)
“It’s the ultimate top deck to draw your own name. Who else knows what I want better than myself? There is nothing in the rules that says that I can’t keep my own name! Nothing! SHOW ME THE RULES, SHOW ME THE RULES, JUDGE, JUDGE, REEEEEEE!” (Garth, Denver, CO)
“I really need a Cyclonic Rift for my deck, and there’s no way I’m asking somebody for a $40 piece of cardboard for Christmas. Really, I’m doing everyone a favor. You’re welcome, friends and family, but this will be my little secret.”
The Pew Center hopes to gain funding in 2025 to study the deadly cardboard addiction epidemic sweeping our nation, devastating wallets everywhere.
Disclaimer: This article is satire.
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